The exhaustion of living alone

The other day, I was sitting on my couch. I was tired after a long day and needed to eat dinner. Sitting down felt so comfortable and I really didn’t want to get up. But I needed to start the rice cooker so I could eat. It was getting late, too. All I desperately wanted was for someone to walk in from the outside or walk into the kitchen from the bedroom, saying they were going to start the rice.

I’ve lived alone for about nine months now. I also lived alone a few times throughout college. Even if I had a roommate or two, I was still doing everything for myself. Cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, organizing, everything.

By themselves, I enjoy doing all of those tasks. When I have time to fully plan out my meals for the week and thoughtfully go grocery shopping, that is one of the things that I love most. But doing it day after day, week after week, by myself, is draining.

I am learning how to realize when I am burnt out. One of the signs is that simple things become things that take a lot of energy and leave me drained after. Cooking was becoming one of those things. Making rice seems like such a simple task, and it is. I got off of the couch and prepped it in two minutes. But I was so sick of always making rice for myself. I just wanted someone there to help me take care of myself, and also offer my support when they need it. I want to be taken care of, but I also want to take care of.

I am currently saving money for a trip. This means more cooking at home, less eating out. If you know me, you know I love cooking and trying new food. But that also takes energy. I have too many draining tasks and not enough replenishing ones. But I don’t have time for more replenishing ones. All of my time is spent on things I have to do. Things like cooking, eating, showering, and laundry can’t be postponed, at least not for that long. Bad things can start happening if they aren’t done in time.

In college, living alone was a nice break from being around people all day, every day. Even though I still see people at work, I don’t connect with them as often, and I spend less time there. This makes going home extra lonely. I go to an empty home with my need for genuine human connection unfulfilled. This makes the time-consuming tasks more energy-consuming, reminding me every day that I am doing this alone, with no one else around me.

I often call my girlfriend or someone else while I am doing these tasks just so I feel less alone. Even just hearing the occasional laugh or sentence makes me feel more connected. But having her on the phone doesn’t get me out of doing laundry. I still have to cook for myself. Cooking for two takes the same amount of time and effort as cooking for one. That isn’t very efficient. Even if I save half for leftovers, I still have to expend all of the energy myself. No breaks. She can’t cook dinner tonight, because she can’t cook through the phone.

It’s hard though because I still enjoy being alone. I like having my own space where things can be where I want them. I’m okay with leaving dishes in the sink because I know I won’t bother anyone, and I think it is more time-efficient to batch them instead of doing them every day. I like burning my incense and candles and not getting complaints. I can leave my laundry on the floor because I know I will wear the same pajamas tonight. I need alone time to recharge and have any amount of energy. But for the privilege of having all of those things, I pay by having to do more tasks by myself and spending that energy on tasks I could be helped with.

I’ve learned through the years how to live by myself best. This is changing as often as my mindset is changing, which at this point is happening daily. I try to learn from these challenges instead of being burdened by them. Hopefully one day I can share a living space with someone and be able to gain some of my energy back. But for now, my nights will consist of running, reading, and then cooking and cleaning, every night.